APPARENTLY, Premier League chiefs launched an “emergency review” of the two VAR howlers which robbed West Ham and Newcastle of points this weekend.How thrilling and fast-moving of them. Letâs regard them as the fourth emergency service and give them a little clap on our doorsteps every Thursday night, eh?
West Ham were controversially denied an equaliser against Chelsea at the weekendCredit: Getty
If they want a meaningful review, then hereâs an effective conclusion â scrap VAR altogether. Abolish the whole rotten shooting match.
This is the one solution everyone in football seems too terrified of suggesting.
While this weekâs victims â Newcastle boss Eddie Howe, along with Hammers manager David Moyes and skipper Declan Rice â complained long and hard about the embarrassing shambles of it all, they stopped short of calling for VAR to be binned off.
Everybody keeps parroting the lie that âVAR is not the problem, itâs the individuals operating itâ.
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Because itâs easier to trot out lines like that than to actually think about things.
As we enter the fourth season of VAR in the English top flight, with decision-making in Stockley Park getting even worse, that mantra is patently nonsense.
The majority of decisions on fouls are subjective, so there can never be anything remotely like absolute justice.
Slow-motion replays often make incidents look more incriminating, meaning VAR often makes things worse.
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And donât even get started on the definition of âclear and obvious errorâ.
There is a conspiracy of silence on the idea of revoking VAR.
 TV companies love it because it makes football all about their product, rather than the live spectacle for match-going fans.
Most football writers never pay to watch matches and donât understand the widespread loathing of VAR among fans who do.
Referees will never call for abolition because VAR means jobs for the old boys. Those who retire from on-field reffing, such as Mike Dean and Lee Mason, can carry on earning in Stockley Park.
 It was the experienced Mason who told rookie top-flight ref Michael Salisbury to overrule his correct decision to award an own goal against Tyrick Mitchell at St Jamesâ Park, even though the Crystal Palace defender committed a foul himself.
The decision by VAR Jarred Gillett to advise Andy Madley to disallow Maxwel Cornetâs West Ham âequaliserâ at Chelsea was even worse.
We were assured VAR would significantly reduce cheating. Yet Chelsea keeper Edouard Mendy got away with feigning injury because of VAR, when Cornet âscoredâ.
Madley had got it right the old way. So had Salisbury.
Itâs not about the personnel, itâs about VAR itself.
Our refs are good, bad and indifferent and they have good, bad and indifferent days. But weâre not going to dig up a couple of dozen better officials to make VAR tickety-boo.
And itâs not just in England where VAR is denounced as a shambles â Lazioâs former Chelsea boss Maurizio Sarri was raging about it after Saturdayâs defeat by Napoli.
The West Ham and Newcastle flashpoints werenât the Premier Leagueâs only weekend VAR controversies either.
For sheer joylessness, the denial of Alexis Mac Allisterâs wonder strike for Brighton against Leicester, because of a toenail offside in the build-up, took some beating.
But apparently, footballers scoring long-range screamers is a menace which needs stamping out.
Funnily enough, I thought Mason â on a double shift this weekend â was right to rule out Gabriel Martinelliâs âopenerâ for Arsenal at Manchester United because Martin Odegaard won possession by barging over Christian Eriksen.
But thatâs not the point. I could have accepted that goal standing for or against my own team.
There always were incorrect decisions but weâd yell about them briefly, then get on with watching a fast-moving, spontaneous game.
Now we canât even celebrate goals properly, knowing Mason and friends will be forensically searching for a reason to rule it out.Â
Odegaard’s “foul” on Eriksen lead to an Arsenal goal being ruled out against Man UtdCredit: Rex
Nobody suggests scrapping VAR, because being labelled a technophobic philistine is apparently some great stigma, as if you canât have progressive views on life while hating what VAR has done.
This country is going to the dogs. Thereâs an energy crisis, inflation is rampant, and a woman whose head appears to be stuffed with polystyrene will enter 10 Downing Street today.
Football is supposed to be an escape from all this.
Most people who pay to watch it just want to enjoy themselves. When theyâve calmed down, a quiet majority donât even believe itâs all that serious.
But instead, technology in decision-making is becoming even more extensive.
So-called ârobot linesmenâ are arriving in the Champions League and the World Cup to make toenail offsides even more commonplace.
When their wiring malfunctions, presumably Fifa and Uefa can also stage some emergency reviews.
Because thatâs what they reckon football is all about â middle-aged men in blazers taking themselves too seriously.
CHEST SO SILLY
ON the subject of VAR, Richarlison was booked for taking his shirt off after scoring for Spurs against Fulham â only for it to be ruled out for offside.
Yet if youâre rewriting history and the goal didnât count, surely the semi-nakedness didnât count either and his yellow should be rescinded?
CENTRE STAGE
I AM loving the return to fashion of authentic centre-forwards in the Premier League â see Erling Haaland, Darwin Nunez and especially Wolvesâ bid to sign free-agent Diego Costa.
Two of the best in breed are Brentfordâs Ivan Toney and Fulhamâs Aleksandar Mitrovic, who were both on Newcastleâs books, a club that worships its Noâ9s.
Toon have just shelled out ÂŁ60million on Alexander Isak, who also looks very promising â but they could have saved that Saudi cash by keeping either Toney or Mitrovic.
It would, though, be sacrilegious to point out the manager who let both strikers go â and presumably didnât rate either of them.
The infallible Rafa Benitez.
ONLINE GOONS
ARSENAL fans love an online conspiracy theory â and before Sundayâs trip to Manchester United they were ranting and raving about referee Paul Tierney and VAR Lee Mason both hailing from Greater Manchester.
When VAR disallowed Gabriel Martinelliâs early âgoalâ, the protests became even more shrill.
Supporters of southern clubs taunt United fans that they all come from Surrey. But when refs are from Manchester, theyâre assumed to be boyhood Stretford Enders.
Many of our referees are incompetent â but they are not corrupt.
GUNNER LOVE IT
AFTER two seasons away, Spurs fans are salivating for tomorrow nightâs Champions League opener against Marseille.
And not least because the visitors include former Arsenal players Alexis Sanchez, Matteo Guendouzi and Sead Kolasinac as well as Nuno Tavares, on loan from the Gunners.
It is not far short of the first North London derby in Champions League history.
So even Gooners can enjoy some Wednesday night European football for the first time in five years.
WHEN managers start talking with jarring honesty about their own clubs, itâs usually a sign that the end is nigh.
It just happened with Bournemouthâs promotion-winning manager Scott Parker and, sadly, itâs now happening with FA Cup-winning Leicester boss Brendan Rodgers too.
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ON Saturday at Lordâs, something called Trent Rockets defeated something else called Manchester Originals in the final of a short game of cricket called The Hundred.
And nobody really cared as the teams are completely made up and neither the players nor fans had any true allegiance to either. More