NOBODY is quite sure what the most farcical aspect of this World Cup campaign will be.
That the finals are being held in Qatar or that England must play four matches against rank amateurs, during a global pandemic when non-essential travel is supposed to be banned.
Still, it will be a World Cup campaign like no other – beginning in an empty Wembley, ending in the desert in winter.
And England began it by defeating the worst team on Earth, a San Marino side who have never won a competitive game of football, in passable fashion.
Dominic Calvert-Lewin scored twice, James Ward-Prowse and Raheem Sterling one apiece and Ollie Watkins netted a debut goal.
All the while, Harry Kane would have been quietly seething on the bench, knowing he could have made significant inroads on Wayne Rooney’s England scoring record had he been allowed to join in.
But let’s face it, it wouldn’t have thrilled your Nanna or your Auntie Vi – as Southgate said he’d hoped to do in his pre-match press conference.
This was an exercise in bayoneting sandbags, nothing more.
None of this is the fault of Southgate or his players, nor the opposition, who defended obdurately, especially in the second half.
You can only beat what’s in front of you – even if the opposition resembled some sort of Jim Henson creation.
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It will get tougher than this for England in this group – San Marino is a hill with a castle on it, while Andorra is a couple of actual mountains. And Fraggle Rock hasn’t yet been recognised by FIFA.
In Albania on Sunday, Southgate’s men will actually have to play against some professional footballers.
We could pretend to tell you what the England manager would have learned from this – that Nick Pope can stay awake for 90 minutes relatively late in the evening without anything to occupy him.
Southgate would have liked to have seen more ruthlessness and more composure, in front of goal.
But we know full well that he will learn far more from any given training session.
Had England amassed double figures, it would tell us nothing about their capability of beating Croatia here when the Euros get under way in June.
Even Southgate didn’t dare to play a back five against this lot – the first pub team allowed to play competitive football in England this year – and a team who probably wouldn’t even be able to beat Liverpool at Anfield right now.
With no fans, no contest, no drama or intrigue, it genuinely must have been difficult for Southgate’s men to stay switched on.
Yet with a tournament coming up this summer, this was at least a chance for players to prove they can cope with boredom – so often an Achilles heel for England squads of the past.
San Marino did actually manage to frustrate England for 14 minutes – though England largely frustrated themselves.
Sterling fluffed two glorious headed chances, Jesse Lingard had a shot pushed away by the heroic visiting keeper Elia Benedettini and John Stones shinned over the bar from four yards when scoring would have been easier.
But finally the opener arrived when Ben Chilwell cut back for Ward-Prowse to steer home.
He celebrated with an exuberant golf swing and while it was his first goal for England, a polite shake of hands would have sufficed.
The second was a trademark Calvert-Lewin header from a trademark Reece James cross – a goal which could have been practiced against cones on a training ground, which is pretty much what happened at Wembley.
Benedettini, who certainly never wants for action in his role, made another excellent stop from a Chilwell long-ranger.
San Marino then, inadvisably, attempted to play it out from the back, straight to Mason Mount, who fed Sterling, three defenders falling at his feet as he drilled in from an angle.
It was Sterling’s fifth attempt on goal – he’d left Lingard screaming in the centre when he greedily attempted a solo goal earlier.
Then, absolute scenes, as San Marino won a corner – which they wasted. Swiftly followed by an attacking free-kick, also squandered.
Southgate made four half-time subs – Phil Foden, Jude Bellingham, Kieran Trippier and Tyrone Mings on for Sterling, Mount, James and Stones.
Lingard soon set up Calvert-Lewin to tap home his second and England’s fourth.
Spoilsport Southgate wouldn’t let the Everton centre-forward complete his hat-trick – sending on Aston Villa’s Watkins for his debut.
It is a moment any footballer dreams of – yet rather devalued against non-leaguers in front of 90,000 empty seats.
Ward-Prowse was given the opportunity to curl home a 25-yard free-kick – as he often does for Southampton – but Benedettini touched it on the post, as many Premier League keepers have failed to do.
Then, a lovely moment for Watkins, who accepted a pass from the scampering Foden to guide home his shot.
Nobody, except the San Marino keeper, will remember much about this night, if and when England arrive in Qatar in November 2022 for the sharp end of this campaign.
That we have to sit through three more matches like this, against San Marino and Andorra twice, really is an extraordinary waste of everybody’s time.
Source: Soccer - thesun.co.uk
